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004 ✚ voice, plus filters
[the feed starts with a slight clearing of his throat.]
To those who were-- worried --about me last week. Yukio replaced my stitches and I'm fine now.
[uhhh.
there was a thanks here, but it got cut--]
Thanks.
[--off. or not.]
[FILTERED TO EXORCISTS (ALMA, LAVI, KANDA, ALLEN, LENALEE, CROSS, AND.. THAT ONE TYKI.. and Link sure. prolly hackable but why would you want to, there's nothing to hear.]
I'll talk.
If you'll listen.
[the pains in his arm and head peaked out a few days ago and as been declining steadily ever since. he doesn't know if it'll stop completely at some point (only to start back up again) but it's at a manageable (functional) level now and he'll take advantage of it.
it's story time, comrades.]
[/END FILTER]
To those who were-- worried --about me last week. Yukio replaced my stitches and I'm fine now.
[uhhh.
there was a thanks here, but it got cut--]
Thanks.
[--off. or not.]
[FILTERED TO EXORCISTS (ALMA, LAVI, KANDA, ALLEN, LENALEE, CROSS, AND.. THAT ONE TYKI.. and Link sure. prolly hackable but why would you want to, there's nothing to hear.]
I'll talk.
If you'll listen.
[the pains in his arm and head peaked out a few days ago and as been declining steadily ever since. he doesn't know if it'll stop completely at some point (only to start back up again) but it's at a manageable (functional) level now and he'll take advantage of it.
it's story time, comrades.]
[/END FILTER]
text; private
Why?
Why did everyone invested in this war have to have such terrible things done to them or waiting in store? It was worse for them than he had seen for so many other fighters in countless other wars. But this... "Holy" war was beginning to seem so unholy that he was sure they were all in Hell - if it did exist - and this was their torture for eternity.
Not even in other timelines could they get a break.
Lavi runs a hand through his hair and instead of going to audio or video like the others he switches to a text, automatically putting it on private. Really he would rather go talk to Kanda in person, but it seemed as if the other wanted to be alone while he told his tale.]
You don't have to tell me anything, you've made it clear that you prefer not to tell a Bookman what happened. However, I had thought we were friends, at least we are in my home. And if we are or were in yours, either way I would never record it. As a friend I would never share such things told in confidence.
voice; private 1/2
that wasn't.. the problem. he isn't sure if his misunderstanding can or should be cleared up, or if it's just what Lavi wants to believe. 'llujah doesn't know anymore, it's--
it's been far too long. only two years, perhaps. but add in one death, one botched memory-sealing spell, experiments, a dozen more bouquets of water lillies and a whirlwind of memories too blurry to make out, and he's left clinging onto whatever scraps of Lavi he can still recall from what seems like an eternity ago.]
You. [level, firm, but wavering as much as a single hissed syllable can. that could be attributed to the fact that he's actually holding the PDA, as it gripping it will do any good.] You.
[I had thought we were friends
banters and rabbits, braids and death threats, sparring, draping, joking, laughing
if we are or were in yours
he doesn't know what to see Lavi as anymore.]
voice; private
maybe
they can.]
You're an idiot, Lavi..
[this whole thing building up after the first few weeks in Nesreca is tiring, avoiding Lavi, respdonding curtly, awkwardly, he hates making or using excuses, because
because]
I don't care if you record it, I don't care if you listen as a friend or as an Apprentice. Stop being such a dumbass.
[he's the one who's been pushing Lavi away.
it's pretty damn hard trying to go back to how it used to be.]
text; private
The reasons why it had been done, they were something that he didn't know. Wasn't sure if he wanted to know. Was it because he was dead in Kanda's home? Or that he had moved on to another record? Betrayed them? All of these doors that they shut on each other, the secrets they all keep... It's poisoning to them and to their relationships with one another.
He would always like to be Kanda's friend. To Lavi it had always seemed like the stoic swordsman needed one even if he said he didn't. Someone to lean on when it just got too hard or to listen in times like these. But he doesn't know if he's somehow lost that right in 'llujah's home. He wants to open that door again but doesn't know how...
Lavi stills at hearing Kanda's voice. And for a little bit the words tug at his lips, pulling them upward.
At least that part of Kanda was still the same. But all too quickly the happy reassurance leaves, the smile drops.]
I might be an idiot and I might be a dumbass, at least to you. But I don't see the point in dragging up old ghosts, in making you relive something horrible. Because you know, Bookman or not that I'd want to know all of it. And yet as a friend I don't want to put you through that.
voice; private 1/2 ahahahblaskh
like they're both trying to open that door at the same time without knowing if it's push or pull.]
Reliving something horrible? [somewhat bitterly, mostly sarcastic and calm and with that off touch of humor that shouldn't be there.] You should've thought of that last week. I told you, no one's seen you in four years and I've been dead for two of them, I don't know if you're alive or not, or if you're even--
[or if i can even still think of you as 'lavi' anymore
how long has it been since he's gotten mad at Lavi? two years. four years. too many years too long.]
ACTION ALL THE ACTION
he's not stomping up those stairs, oh no. that's too much of a dead giveaway, and he'd be way too tired once he reached the top why the hell are you all the way up there anyway, Lavi.]
private text; then...ACTION FOREVER aklsdhgkl
Both idiots pulling on the door knob on opposite sides, it's not going to move. But given that Kanda's stronger...it'll probably be yanked open and the redhead will fall in on his friend.]
I know part of what happened and I don't know if I'll one day know everything but what I do is bad enough. The worst I've heard of in any record. As for disappearing so abruptly...apparently there's a reason behind that, I just don't know what it is myself yet. But I'm alive here and I want to be your friend here.
[And then as he sends it off, having delayed his words, he hears steps on the creaky and weakened floorboards. He doesn't even know himself. He forgets that he can change damn floors all the time and just complains.]
forever ;u;
given that 'llujah's had the arm strength of a somewhat normal person for a few years now, it might leave them in a standstill for even longer.
the PDA goes off in his hand, but it's forgotten, lost in a white-knuckled grip that doesn't let up when he forgoes the usual knock and shoves open the door of Lavi's room, the one he's seen the redhead look out the window of every so often.
luckily the PDA is already in his dominant hand, already clenched. he can't make a fist but it's almost like gripping a sword's handle and he's striding over to wherever Lavi is and
decking him as hard as he can
which, unfortunately, doesn't amount to anything like he'd usually deliver, and is most certainly not up to par with Lenalee's punches or Bookman's clawings.
judging by the expression on his face, he probably knows this. and doesn't give a shit. he's too busy trying to catch his breath.]
/cuddles
He's on his bed, moving to stand even as the door opens and Kanda storms into the room. Lavi is surprised to see that it's Kanda standing there, moving toward him.]
What are yo-- [His words get cut off as the hit connects and Lavi's head is whipped to the side.
But the expected fall back onto his bed doesn't come. It's missing. So he stands there startled with his head turned away from the force of the punch yet still standing.
Slowly he turns his head back toward the swordsman.]
Yuu...
[In that lone green eye lays all that hurt and betrayal, the lost redhead not knowing where is h place is next to Kanda's side. The pain at knowing his world has been shit to him like their own has but ten times worse almost.
His hands are clenched into fists, the PDA on the bed, but instead of punching Kanda back like it looks like he might... The redhead instead reaches out and steps forward, wrapping Kanda up in a hug. One tight and warm and hopefully a good physical reminder that the redhead is there. It hurts to know that his powerful punches have been pulled because of what happened to him.]
/LATCHES..
that Lavi doesn't actually fall over only further proves to himself just what kind of effect this surgery's had on him. he had an idea before, but he's never really attempt to.. punch anyone. has wanted to, of course, and settled for hitting or kicking a wall. or a chair.
this just reminds him all the more of what's happened in the time he hasn't seen Lavi.
he doesn't say anything when Lavi's arms wrap around him, aside from a sharp intake of breath and a sound that's cut off halfway. he can't move his arms, whether because Lavi's hug is stopping him or he just can't feel them right now, or whether
whether it's because he doesn't know if he should, if he can. if he's allowed to, knowing that they don't share the same sentiment.
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but the past two years of not knowing has led to 'llujah convincing himself that it's over. that the next time they see each other, Rose Cross or no, they're as good as strangers. in fact, that's what they should be, considering.]
..I've spent the last two years forgetting you, Lavi.
[excuses, excuses. he wants to explain himself, but he can't do that either. there isn't a whole lot to explain.
he grips the beeping PDA and remembers how to breathe.]
/COMFORTS ...and that should be "where his place"...h and is how did you do that?
You used to give in to that punching impulse a lot more. Perhaps another side effect of not being around the redhead anymore, not having anyone you really wanted to punch and could without any terrible repercussions. The chair or wall were just ample substitutes.
Thing is... Lavi doesn't expect Kanda to hug him back even if his arms are free. Stitches in his arms can't make it at all comfortable to move them. So even if Kanda was a hugger...being hugged back wouldn't cross his mind.
What he does expect at least is to be shoved away.
He's surprised that he doesn't even get a hair pull. Or an order to get off. Kanda just lets him hug.
But he's not the Lavi from your home, he's younger and so much more like the "idiot rabbit" he used to be. Lord knows how much longer he's going to stay that way what with all the bad news that he hears and sees, that he knows is coming his way. No matter what he doesn't want to be someone sullen and withdrawn, which is why he goes away when he breaks down.]
Well, you don't have to now. If I'm missing in your home I'm sure there's a good reason why. But I'm here and I'm not going anywhere even if I'm not the one you know. We're still similar, me and him...right?
[Breathing is good.]
i.. figured... lmao that ninja h /rocks ;u;
but as it is, he.. can't do anything. both because he knows know what, and because. well.
arms. numb.
he's probably going to regret that punch later. except, not really.
it would be so easy just to revert back to what they were four years ago. idiot rabbit and silly yuu and bakanda and all that. it should be. so easy.
but the fact of the matter is what isn't. it isn't easy, isn't simple, isn't like taking two steps back into old comfort zones. it's like climbing out of an abyss two miles too deep. maybe it's pathetic to say he's resigned himself to this darkness, but.
he's accepted some minimal amount of help in getting through this.
maybe he can accept some help in getting out of it.]
No one knows why. The Noahs--
[..come to think of it, 'llujah hasn't really been filled in on any of this either. save for what Lenalee and Marie have told him in secret. Central's pretty intent on cockblocking him from finding anything out.]
..I don't know anymore. Who you are.
Either of you.
[if anything, focusing on breathing helps keep him calm. he's learned that emotions are pretty crucial to how Parasitic Innocence works, and while it isn't the same with him, there's.. been occasions when it activates itself.
staying calm will leave Lavi's room in one piece, at least.]
I've turned words around and thought I typed them the right way so why not letters! /keeps ♥
It might surprise him enough that Lavi will let go, pull back and look at him. Because right now he's just hugging, chin hovering over a shoulder but not making contact with it. That would be too close.
If it was so easy - no matter the years he had gone on alone - then it shouldn't matter if he fell back into it. Lavi doesn't know how to be around 'llujah because of this. And he hates not knowing anything.
Actually, that makes him pull away and he sits on his bed, taking Kanda's hand long enough to give a gentle tug to make him sit too. For once his face looks a little sad and shut down instead of that happy-go-lucky rabbit that 'llujah knows is still in this one.]
I'm still me, yeah? At home...for me... I'm still in China with the old man and Chaoji. And this weird Noah we've never seen before shows up. Then I got sent here only to go back for five minutes and I get kicked back just as that Noah... [Lavi pauses, remembering the tongue and shudders.] His tongue...it's long and it has eyeballs on it. He was going to put it in me somehow when I woke up here.
[At least then he'd have a reason to move downstairs?]